I can text with my tongue
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
