the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You smell like stripper and shame
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
