Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
