I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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