he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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