So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
