I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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