I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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