ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
