all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
