Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
