We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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