Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize