there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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