you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
