Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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