there's paper in my vomit.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize