I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
