I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
