I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
