im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
