I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
