Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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