phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
