Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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