someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
