There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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