Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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