i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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