i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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