god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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