Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
