Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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