I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
