No awkward lesbian experiences without me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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