Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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