A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
