What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize