Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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