You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
