I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
