So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
