My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
