I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
