this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
