shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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