Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
