I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
