You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dignity is for republicans.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
