Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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