how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
