Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
