Soap is not a condiment
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
