Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can I color on your dick again?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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