Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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