I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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