I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it was like eating out sand paper
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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