My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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