This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
