he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
