I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The uberlube is also flammable
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
