that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
40s are totally the cure
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
