I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
