Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
