I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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