We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
