Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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