They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
